lostwolf | Rapture Lost - Chapter Eight

Chapter One, Chapter Two,Chapter Three, Chapter Four, Chapter Five, Chapter Six, Chapter Seven

Eight: Brooding on the Vast Abyss

For one shining, magical, moment the Doctor had imagined he’d managed it, that he’d kept Rose and their unborn child safe and that everything was going to work out; then Yvonne had shown him the view screen and Rose and he’d known that his luck, such as it was, had run out. He’d thought Rose was safe in the TARDIS – he should have known better. Rose had never done as she was bid, and today was no exception. As the Cybermen arrived and the Daleks emerged from the Void Ship, he’d gone into melt down, his brain chasing its tail like a stupid mutt, I’m gonna lose her running through his head on a jagged loop that was threatening to lobotomise him. He could feel it, the paralysis that had all but consumed him after the Time War, invading his body again, chilling his hearts and stalling his mind. Only Jackie, brilliant, caustic, insistent Jackie, screeching in his ear and demanding action, kept the catatonia at bay, forcing him to act. So he’d moved, stilted, his body like a marionette, clumsy and only the illusion of real. But movement and action and the familiarity of routine, of taking charge, of pretending control, had been enough to stop his descent, and he’d snapped back into his body with a jolt and determined that he could and would save the day.

Which was how he’d come to be here, standing in front of Yvonne’s shattered office window and gazing at the ghost wall. He knew, now, what was beyond it; the void. Good old Johnny Milton had seen it and had captured its nature well; ‘a dark ocean without bound dimension, where length breadth and highth time and place are lost, where eldest Night Chaos, ancestors of Nature, hold anarchy’ * such was the void. It had nearly driven the poor man mad, that and the less than benevolent, arrogant Angels he had met, some of the least personable of the Gallifreyan Council – no wonder he’d thought Satan was a bit of a hero, if those stuffed shirts were from heaven. The poet had captured the nature of the horror of the void, though, far more eloquently than he could; he just called it hell. It was where he was going to send the Daleks and the Cybermen both, where he was going to end this invasion and how he was going to save Earth. But there was a price and the price was his to pay.

He loved her. He didn’t just care for her, wasn’t just fond; he loved her, more than he had ever loved anything or anyone. She was the reason he’d not died that day in Henricks, and she’d been the reason, ever since, that he bounced and gabbled and danced through the Universe, righting wrongs, fixing mistakes and generally doing Time Lordy things. And now he was going to let her go. The Beast had said it; the valiant child who will die in battle. He’d thought that he’d meant Rose, but as she’d pointed out, she was no longer a child; she did, however, carry one within her. If the Beast’s words were truth, then either Rose or their baby or both of them were going to die, here, today, and that was unacceptable. Rose and his baby alive, even if it wasn’t with him, was better than either of them being dead. Which was why he was sending them away, sending them to Pete’s world. Jackie and Pete, Rose’s wished for family; they’d take care of his girl and she’d take care of their child and knowing that they were alive… well, that would have to be enough for him. So, eyes locked on Pete, he crept up behind her as she declared she would never leave him, and he made her declaration a lie. Now there was just emptiness – in his hearts and head – and the sound of battle. He was back at the beginning, back where he’d been when he’d been all ears and leather. Before Rose. Without Rose; empty and haunted by war. Perhaps that was how it was meant to be.

Still, things to do, enemies to vanquish. As he typed the necessary into the computer, he found himself hoping that Pete’s world had jam, and marmalade, and those wonderful little edible ball-bearings; he wouldn’t want his child growing up without the wonders of well crafted sugar products. He should have asked. He should have made sure. Some things, surely, were universal, though? Like marmite on hot buttered toast, marmalade with bits in, Crunchies, Jammy Dodgers… tea. What if they didn’t have tea? Why hadn’t the thought to check?

This was for the best, though, tea or no tea. He kept on hurting Rose, or getting her hurt. The last few days and weeks had demonstrated that – he was dangerous, loving him was dangerous. He was bad for her. He’d killed his family before; it was best, best for everyone, if his new family were a Universe away from him. Safer. Better. Best.

He was just unsure whether he could live on, alone. But then, there was always the void. Perhaps that would be best; a fitting end to the Time War.

***********

She’s back! Stupid, impossible ape; she refuses to break her promise, refuses to leave him. She’s prepared to leave them all behind – her mother, Pete, Mickey – she’s prepared to give up everything to be with him. And Rassilon help him, he’s prepared to let her. He shouldn’t. He should force her to go back, but he hasn’t the strength. He did it once, he watched her blink out of his life, and he can’t do it again. There isn’t the strength in him to lose her twice. So, hearts singing with joy through the fear, he’s handing her a clamp, telling her what to do, voice harsh because he’s scared, not because he doesn’t want her here. Holding on is going to place a strain on her, and the Beast’s words are still echoing in his head, but she’s young and fit and the foetus is well embedded. She’ll be fine, because she has to be. Surely, after all these years, the Universe owes him something? Well, he's calling it in – he wants Rose, Rose and their child.

‘Ready?’

He grins at her – this is forever now. She really meant it. He finally believes her. She’s never ever going to leave him and he is never ever going to let her. They are a family and, as the Daleks and the Cybermen whiz past, he realises that they will be a family in a world free of his greatest foes. He wants to shout with the joy of it. He wants to tell her he’s realised and he’s ready to say it. He wants to scream his love for her at the top of his lungs. His eyes meet hers across the blur of the falling enemy and he opens his mouth to say it and in that instant everything changes, because the ghost cycle is going off line and she’s letting go and she is falling and his world is ending.

She’s falling into the dark ocean and she’s going to drown. The Beast’s prophecy is being fulfilled and there is nothing he can do.

Almost nothing.

With a silent apology to his beloved ship, the Doctor lets go.

To be continued

*Paradise Lost, Book II. John Milton

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Date: 2008-08-08 04:07 pm (UTC)

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